Not long time ago, I regained the meaning of creating.

And I say “regained” because I already felt that before, three years ago. I felt that I was slowly building the kind of reality I wanted to. I was 18 years old, and when I readied Seduction Community Sucks, I felt some kind of enlightenment. The wisdom contained in all these pages (specially the Taoist excerpt) blew my mind in the most incredible way I’ve ever seen.

And the result was incredible: I knew what I should do. I felt that I knew what my mission in this world was. For the very first time in my life, things were clear for me. I was the responsible for my entire life, my own reality, and its entire consequences.

The first step I did was doing what I believe it was right. One of the hardest moves I’ve ever did. I followed (reluctantly) the path of lies. I lied, deceived and omitted to people I supposed to love. People I cared.

All that time, I built a world against the core of my essence, because I was following what OTHERS (i.e.: seduction advice, people’s judgement about me, etc) told me. And they told me to lie. I felt that something was wrong, even if I was going to talk with those girls I really wanted to. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t see what.

When I learned the teachings inside SCS, I felt a big relief and euphoria. A hard, yet incredible journey, was about to begin.

By that time, I was on a relationship with a girl. She had strong feelings for me, but it wasn’t mutual. I had no courage to tell her that, so I kept avoiding and avoiding her. Lying. Deceiving. Until she felt so hurt and sad that she broke up with me.

The first step on my road was setting things right. And the first decision I took by myself was to tell her the truth. Tell her how I felt. And the only reason that drove me to that was “because I knew it was the right thing to do.” It wasn’t EASY. I shaked and trembled while exposing what I felt.

And I apologized. Today, we’re good friends.

I started to do the same thing with the girls I deceived before. I told them what drove me to do that, the reason why I was telling them the truth and how I wanted to live my life from that moment on.

Some of them accepted me back on their lives. Some of them just didn’t cared. Some of them grew fond of me. What really matters it was that I did the right thing: I apologized.

I knew I was tired of lying. I wanted to build a world where people could trust each other.

The next step was approaching a girl being the real me. And I felt fear: I wasn’t going to pretend that I was strong, valorous, or some “High-value trait.” In fact, I would show her a shy, awkward guy who barely could say how beautiful she was, and how she made him feel.

The first time I’ve ever did that was awesomely awkward. I approached the girl, told her how I felt, what I thought and what I wanted to do. But I couldn’t keep a conversation, so our moments were filled with silence.

It was hard. I didn’t got her number. I didn’t “seduced” her at all. But I was free for the very first time on my life with women I wanted to have in my life.

This awesome path seemed to get better and better. Later on, I built a true relationship with a girl I really liked and accepted, both with her “flaws” and “qualities”. It didn’t lasted long, but we’ve been true until the end.

My life started to change. I met a girl who manipulated me, deceived me and mistreated me. Little did I know how mean she was. She didn’t cared much about honesty. A totally double-faced girl, that attracted me lots and putted me in bad situations.

When I exposed what I felt and what I wanted to do, she denied me, accused me and criticized me. Slowly, I began to fall back to what I was: I restrained my own, true self, only to be near her. I settled for less, and got what I deserved.

I started to restrain myself from the truth. After those experiences, I didn’t lie, but I didn’t told the full, unabashed truth. I wasn’t being me.

I felt pain for an entire year. I was afraid of showing who I really was because I believed I would be treated the same way again, and I never wanted to feel that.

One of my best experiences was LoGun to call me for be a “tester” of Get Real for free. It was amazing. I learned so many things about me, about fear, yet I haven’t ever realized what I was lacking: a purpose. I focused only on “doing things because I loved doing them.”

I felt happy. But not as happy as I was when I discovered SCS. I never realized why it happened. When I told people that I felt like “I was a mere shadow of the happy man I used to be,” they just replied “You can’t be what you were once. We never go back.” That used to make me suffer a lot, because I believed I would never be as happy as I was back the SCS time.

I did some approaches back and then. I was happy for being me, but sad for being rejected. Somewhat the reaction we get when we’re on the Doing pathway.

By the end of 2010, I entered the most breathtaking relationship I ever was. I dated a girl that I really liked, and felt like we’re bound to be together. She had almost everything I loved on a girl, and somewhat that’s how she felt about me, too.

When our relationship ended, I started developing the worst pain in the ass in this road. HOCD. (I putted it on an AI thread. You can check it out here). To put it simple, it’s a sickness where one start to doubt of his own sexuality. The worst consequence of this disease was that I completely lost my trueness. My honesty died because of the fear of other people’s reactions. Even when I was healed, I had (and still have) hard times to talk about it with people.

Right now I found what means Creating. I remembered the purpose that drove my actions.  It was to be honest. To tell what I really felt, straight from the gut. I am slowly climbing my way back, afraid to reach the next stone over my head because of the fear of falling.

I wrote this text telling about my past experiences because:

1) I am having hard times to find out what to do. Perhaps putting it here would help me to put things in their righteous place;

2) I would like to change this condition. It just doesn’t suit me. Perhaps anybody can relate to having a “drawback” to an old pathway and then trying to regain the path. If so, I’d like to hear your experience.

So, what do you have to say?